British Caused All World Problems, We're Sorry Here's Money

All taken from the International Coalition For British Reparations. I added my own comments:



The Facts
Is this for Real?

Yes. Any student of world history will tell you that if he had to pick a single nation to pin all the world's troubles on, Britain is far and away the obvious choice. There is plenty of precedent of countries paying off their victims in cash. The Nazis had to pay off the Jews. (Which was only done after they lost a war) The U.S. government has settled with many Indian tribes, offering them land, lucrative casino rights (Niiiice), and in some cases, cash. We, the International Coalition for British Reparations, are asking that the greatest criminal nation on earth—the British—pay up as well.

Why Britain? Aren't there plenty of other countries that we could blame for the world's problems?

Sure, Britain isn't behind all of the world's problems—at least not directly. The old Soviet Union, for example, is estimated to be responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of its own citizens, to say nothing of the havoc its aggressive foreign policy wreaked abroad. (Brace for face pain coming from the next sentence.) But most of these deaths happened by way of prison camps (a British invention) or machine guns (another British invention). All roads of human suffering, particularly in the 20th century, lead back to Britain.

Are you racists? (Yes)

No. We don't believe this is due to any inherent defect in the character of the British people. (Yet from that I presume you think we have one?) Stretching more than a millennium to the crowning of Alfred the Great in 871 (So let's relate modern events to that of something that happened in a time when negotiations were carried out with battle axes when just previously you mentioned Nazis who paid their reparations RIGHT at the end of the war.), the British Monarchy is simply one of the oldest continuous governmental bodies on earth. For centuries, its power over its citizens was nearly absolute. By the dawn of the 20th century, it controlled nearly one third of the globe. (So we owned a lot of sea I'm guessing from that "fact") But while other totalitarian reigns have been put on trial and forced to make amends, the British crown has maintained its grip on power, and so avoided being called to account for its numerous crimes against humanity.

What exactly has Britain done that's so awful?

Where to begin? By our analysis, the crimes of Britain fall into four major categories:

Genocide. Modern Britain was founded through the systematic erasure of indigenous culture and language. The English rounded up natives, seized their property, and forced them to relinquish their heritage and take on British language and culture as their own. (This is how America was formed.) Anyone who dissented faced extermination. (No need for pejoratives) This practice began in Scotland, Wales and Ireland and soon spread all over the world, where the British Empire plundered natural resources and enslaved native peoples then left without building the stable infrastructure or governments necessary for self-sufficiency.

The Industrial Revolution. Beginning in the 18th century, Britain began making our lives worse through the introduction of machines in the workplace. (I lol'd when I read this; we're so sorry for using technology for the first time and not knowing the consequences; this is how the world works, when someone events something they don't know how it's going to work) The health, safety, and wages of workers took a back seat to owners' greed for ever-higher output and profits. The skies above the city—first London, then the world—were filled with black smoke. Waters were poisoned with noxious chemicals. Under the careless watch Britain's elite, the Industrial Revolution got off to a horrible start, the consequences of which have continued to ring down through the centuries. The melting of the polar icecaps, the loss of countless plants and animal species, and the imperiled condition of the human race on a planet made poisonous by misapplied technology are all a consequence of British negligence and hunger to accumulate wealth at any cost.

Global Misrule. The terrorist threat has its roots in British mismanagement of the Middle East, (Just like how a boss mismanages his team of employees; sorry for 9/11 guys, we'll send you some tea to make up for it lolololol >_<) particularly Egypt, Israel, Jordan, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia. Britain's imperialist past has so enraged Muslim extremists. Now America is deploying our sons, daughters, and tax dollars to clean up the mess that Britain made. The deaths caused by all the major wars of the 19th and early 20th century could have been prevented, or at least lessened, if the British hadn't waited until their backs were up against the wall before getting into the action. Most of the worst tyrants in power through the end of the 20th century were put there by the British, or came to power by filling the power vacuum the British Empire left behind.

Bad Inventions. Machine guns, slums, prisons, child labor, bad hygiene, the Black Plague, (THAT'S RIGHT WE INVENTED A DISEASE AND KILLED OUR OWN PEASANTS) concentration camps, (Which we've never used on a grand scale? And it's not like we went "hay evil nation look use these camps to genocide on people") you name it. If it hurts people, the British probably came up with it. (Forks.)

Strangely enough, Britain has been very aggressive about making other countries pay for their historical misdeeds. Like a herd of raging soccer hooligans looting their rival's capital after a victory, (You guys play a very different game of soccer to us) they've extracted exorbitant reparations payments from Germany, France, and China, among others. Now it's their turn to pay.

If Britain really is behind all the world's problems as you say it is, how have they managed to keep up such a positive image for so long?

Britain has long controlled our patterns of thought (wait what?) through the modern university, an English invention (Ohhhh. Wait what?). They control what we say through their hold over English, the global master language. (Yeah because we CHOOSE what words you have to say) More recently, they've bought the minds of some of our best and brightest—including numerous top U.S. politicians and public thinkers—through the Rhodes Scholarship, thus insuring that the false innocents of Britain's public image never has to face scrutiny.

How did you come up with the £31 trillion figure?

Thirty-one trillion pounds is a fairly arbitrary figure. Really, one could easily make the argument that Britain owes much more. But we came up with £31 trillion as a starting point by adding up the following costs: (The upcoming list made me cry black tears, die, ressurect, commit suicide via spoon then shoot a BABY PANDA)

First Iraq War: $71 billion (As estimated by the Department of Defense. The need for U.S. intervention in the Middle East is a direct consequence of Britain's early support of the House of Saud and conflicting promises made to the Israelis and Palestinians).

Second Iraq War: $282 billion+ (As calculated by Congressional Appropriations. The irrational anger of radical Islam as embodied in Saddam Hussein's rogue state, is the expression of a deep grudge that started with the slaughter's inflicted by the British crown during the Crusades and later, Britain's ruthless treatment of the old Ottoman Empire.)

Opium War Refund: $32.6 trillion ($21 million that Britain extorted ("WHERES MY MONEY *****?" - actual quote during the "extortion") from China through the Treaty of Nanking in 1842, with interest, compounded annually. Strange that China should have to pay up after it was Britain who got millions of her citizens hooked on opium.) (Let's no point the drug addict finger. Dick.)

Versailles Refund $25 trillion ($26 billion that Britain extorted from defeated German government after World War I, with interest, compounded annually, an unfair and punitive settlement that was one of the primary causes of World War II.) (This figure wasn't decided on by JUST Britain. History book for sale.)

Who would the money go to, and how would it be distributed?

Everyone has suffered the consequences of the Evil Empire. (translation: ME ) We proposed to distribute the reparations monies equally between all the people of the world. Dividing a £31 trillion settlement between 6.5 billion people gives us roughly £4,770 or $8,350 for every man, woman, and child on earth. It's far from enough, but it's a start.

Why are you putting so much energy into rehashing the past when there are so many pressing current issues—such as the war in Iraq and the Darfur genocide—that demand our attention?

First of all, the Iraq war and Darfur genocide are not separate issues. They are two of the numerous consequences of the British Empire's mistakes. They can be traced directly back to the British Empire's shortsighted imperialist policies in the Middle East and Africa. Second, letting the British Empire get away with savaging the world's culture, economy, and environment without having to pay any price sets a terrible precedent, both for the present governments of the world and for future generations. Third, we believe the situations in Iraq and in the Sudan would be greatly improved if each citizen were to receive the full cash settlement of $8,350. Everything else being equal, people are less likely to fight when they have something to lose.

Sorry for the big read but this is just so retarded.

EDIT: THERE'S A VIDEO

AND IT ROCKS

This post has been edited by Hippoman on Mar 16 2007, 10:52 AM

I'll have a closer read of this after work but for now let's discuss plans of action.

BOMB BRITIAN WE DON'T NEED THOSE MACHINEGUN MAKING NAZIS

I'm out of cheques, you better pay the 30 trillion pounds...STERLING.

you brits must be crazy

Britian owes nothing. Current British government sucks because it loves America's crazed out war decisions. They probably owe something to the people, but we (In general) do not.

No empire is perfect. The British one was no exception, but dammit it's far better than some.

I can't believe you can even slightly agree with this drivel.

Actually you'll find we owe the US a ton of money, alas it's not in our hands. You're right about the UK agreeing with the US too much though. Bush 4 blair lolol

Well we did start Slavery.

Although yeah, that's probably the worst thing we've ever done... and we were like, the first to stop I think.

Well let's all make a big deal. If chavs make their way to the US and other countries feel free to destroy us. And destroy us good

Primitive tribes in several countries had slaves way before we had boats to go stealing up people to work in our sugar fields.

Damn tasty that sugar : D

Btw who exactly ARE the International Coalition For British Reparations?

The funniest part is how these people think Britain somehow keeps a positive image by "controlling" the English language, like Ingsoc with Newspeek in Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Oh. What's all this empire talk anyway? I didn't even know we HAD an "empire". Reminds me of star wars for some reason.

tl;dr

no matter what they say, the only valid argument they will ever have is imperialism in the 18th-20th centuries

We weren't the first imperialists. It was what other countries were doing at it made them better in Europe so it sort of caught on.

And this is one of the many ****ing reasons I hate being British.

why don't they just sue god while they're at it

charles could pass himself off as sidious...

We've only got Austrailia now I think. Maybe India as well. We lost most of it and it became commonwealth or something.