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The Littlest Lumberjack

Once upon a time, there existed a forest. And in this forest dwelled a gnome by the name of Candypop Jim, who just happened to be a lumberjack. He lived in a home made of Hershey's kisses and children's laughter.

Candypop Jim enjoyed candy very much, as one might expect from an individual residing in a home constructed from it. He was also a big fan of donating blood. But he HATED forest animals, which is something one might not expect from an individual residing in a wooded area which was, indeed, thriving with wildlife.

So, as any rational gnome would do, Candypop Jim donned his mighty axe, Divinebloodwhisper, passed down through generation and generation of candy-eatin', forest-critter-hatin', blood-donatin' Candypops, and proceeded to step out his front door which was comprised of Hershey's cookies and creme. That also happened to be te longest run-on sentence I have ever written, ever.

Anyway, as Candypop Jim marched through the forest with a jolly grin on his rosy face, he came in conversing distance with Diego Lionheart, the Wise Owl. However, his name and honorific deceive his true nature, as he is not wise or deserving of the surname "Lionheart". In fact, he was wearing a pretty blank expression on his face.

So Candypop Jim killed him with one stroke of his might Divinebloodwhisper.

Candypop Jim was feeling rather proud of himself, and wondered if the other forest animals would be as simple to slay as Lionheart. That's when Jim crossed paths with Sebastian the Cheery Deer. This deer was very prone to breaking into song at any given moment, similar to the mechanics of an animated Disney classic. Jim had to be very wary that his hat did not fall or his milk that he had brought for the crusade against forest animals did not spill.

"Howdy doody!", roared the unconditionally grinning deer.

Candypop Jim didn't bother uttering a word Instead, he attempted to intimidate the deer with an unpleasant look on his face.

"What's got ya down, buddy?! Maybe we should sing a song about--"

Before Sebastian could finish his sentence, Jim quickly lunged at the deer and clamped his mouth shut. Muffled B sharp, C minor, and other assorted musical notes emanated from Sebastian's mouth, who just couldn't stop his urge to sing.

So Candypop Jim killed him.

Before I could make an intermission for the next *wacky* forest critter to make an appearance, it jumped the gun and suddenly appeared next to Candypop Jim without any introduction whatsoever.

It was Benedict the Out-Of-Place Whale. This was probably not going to go down with a simple axe stroke, nay, whales have a thick layer of blubber that could easily withstand a blow from Candypop Jim's dinky little axe. This was a forest animal that required nly the highest caliber of cunning and wit to break down.

So Candypop Jim challenged him to a game of French French Revolution.

Benedict had forfeit not because of the fact that he did not possess any feet let alone legs to play the game, but rather because it did not contain his all-time favorite dance song "You Do That And So Help Me I'll Slap Your Rear Faster Than You Can Say What I Just Said". Needless to say, he was disappointed. So Benedict the Out-Of-Place Whale disappeared without any plot development at all.

And so, Candypop Jim's adventure came to an end. He was free to eat candy and find pleasure in donating blood as long as he wanted for the rest of his days. He also happened to enjoy the owl, deer, and suddenly appearing whale stew he had prepared for himself that evening.

Fin

This post has been edited by Ryo on Sep 30 2007, 09:24 PM

best thing to be posted in the art board in ages

I liked the whale

what

i got a tear in my eye


beautiful

that was amazing

Lovely

This deserves some kind of award

Hilarious

Oh man, this is the most amazing story I've read in a long time.

It's partly the hilariously goofy plot, partly the humorous way of narrating, and partly various other things that make it so good in my opinion.

this is brilliant and worthy of a seal of rawesome

shouldnt this be in the ppp?

No, literature is a form of art and therefore allowed here.

I have lost all faith

I'm in tears of joy at this wonderful story

tears of pity at those who have not read it

and tears of contempt at cyberkid

Awesome and enlightening

***** 5/5

This truly deserves a fangame.