Legend Of Zelda: Metal Mirage, yup a fanfic.

This is my fan fiction about a young Deku named Dekuuk. He lives in Woodfall in his hut, with Zorella, his Zora girlfriend, and Goros, his Goron best friend. He also has a black fairy named Hiron, who is very intelligent, and doesn't shout as loud as other fairies. Dekuuk's mouth's interior is metal, which allows him to breathe fire, Zorella has ice powers, and Goros can enlarge his fists. I hope you enjoy this, and feel free to leave comments on part one of Legend Of Zelda: Metal Mirage.
Dekuuk was relaxing one day at his hut, playing his xylophone, when a visitor knocked on the door. Not minding the small interruption he looked out the window. It was Zorella, so Dekuuk opened the door and let her in. Lightly giving Dekuuk a kiss on the cheek, she walked over to the couch and sat.
Dekuuk walked over, and asked, "Did you bring your flute?"
"Yes, now all we have to do is wait for Goros to get here..." Zorella said.
Sitting down on the couch with Zorella, Dekuuk opened up his journal and started to draw. He sketched the layout of his house.
Afterwords, he looked out the window to see if Goros was coming, and there he was, rolling towards the bridge. Dekuuk opened the door and let Goros in. "All right! Let's play a song!" Hiron came out to practice the fluttering of his wings. (Author's note: Hiron can make music by fluttering his wings, and Goros plays guitar.)
They all got out their instruments, and started to play the Song of Storms, but stopped midway through because they didn't want a storm. Instead, they played their original song, Quadro Fantastico. They played on their instruments, " > ^ < (A), > ^ < (A)"
Zorella said, "You know, we always just play songs. but never perform in public. How about we go to Clock Town and perform a gig at the Milk Bar?"
Dekuuk replied, "That's a great idea! What do you say guys?"
"Killer idea! Come on, we got a show to play tonight!" replied Goros and Hiron.



Will they perform at the Milk Bar? Why does Hiron make music by fluttering his wings? You might find out in the next part of Legend of Zelda: Metal Mirage!

Okay, not bad. I kinda like it. But I'm not a fan of fan-fics...

....That's actually the nicest comment I've ever gotten on this thing

Well, at least you got somebody to post.
Have a nice day.

I like it :3

I like it alot you should definetly contenue and if people put you down forget them. and keep making them.

It's kinda good. I liked it!

The language doesn't seem to match up. (I though LoZ was a medieval thing and they actually spoke normal english.) You could've came up with better names (They all sound unoriginal), and it felt kinda boring.

I'm not saying it sucks, I'm just saying you should let your imagination flow a little bit more freely.

One tip:
- With speech, make sure two people don't say the exact same sentence. It's kinda strange, unless one is a doppleganger

By the way, I'm accepting guest appearances.

This kind of sounds like something I would have done when I was 9 or 10 years old. To be honest, it's pretty short, and I know it's a fanfic, but even so, the characters aren't very original. Arbitrarily giving the characters "fire powers" and "ice powers" is kind of lame, and pretty unrealistic in the Zelda universe. First of all, Deku Scrubs hate fire. If he were to accidentally set himself on fire while breathing fire, he'd die. And Zoras hate the cold. Why do you think Ganon punished them in OOT by freezing their domain?

And while there aren't really any blatant gramatical errors or typos, it's a boring style. "He did this. Then he did this. He then did this, while doing this." We don't get any insight on the character's thoughts or motivations or anything, we just get basically a stage script.

Overall it could use a lot of work.

Anyways, this doesn't even seem like the zelda universe. The names are very unoriginal and sounds like the the species (Zora, Zorella; Deku, Dekuuk; Goron, Goros). The title sounds like it has nothing to do with the main concept. I don't see any grammar errors, but there are problems with the way it's organized.

1. You should make it obvious whenever the story starts. Skip a line after your introduction of the story. Use paragraphs (You don't have to but it looks better).

It needs a lot of work if you don't want it to sound "like a 7 or 8 year old did it"

I'm not saying it sucks, I'm just telling you what you can improve on.

This post has been edited by Im4everkool on Aug 22 2008, 04:34 PM

Actually, Dekuuk has metal plates on the inside of his mouth, and Zorella has Ice Powers through a bad run-in with a rampart Freezard.

You should have mentioned that then. People aren't going assume that.