Social Femininity and Independent Machismo

So, lately, I've been getting a lot of emails like this from upperclassmen and fellow freshmen:

Aside from filling my inbox up with unwanted messages, these emails also endow a sort of guilt upon being turned down. I called the girl who had sent me this (specific) email tonight, telling her I was "busy" and couldn't make it. Translation: I don't want to eat dinner with you -- heck, I don't want to eat any meal with any person (with a few exceptions). I hate eating in groups; I hate doing most things in groups.

I had met to eat with this same girl about a month back, and she expressed concern in this attitude of mine (and, again, tonight, with her tone of voice that gave a sense of "Is something wrong? Why don't you want to eat with us?"). She asked me "What if your old friendships don't last? What if you can't stay with your boyfriend forever? Don't you think you should make at least more girl friends for support here at college? Go do things? Don't you feel lonely?"

No. I've never been bothered by my lifestyle -- it's social enough to keep me entertained (I have a few close friends and do things with them that I enjoy); in fact, it's the opposite "social butterfly" lifestyle that I simply can not stand. Girls with squeaky, flirty, high-pitched voices talking about the latest A&F trend, "mingling," and popular American alternative rock -- it's just not for me, and that's totally fine. I don't mind being what one would call, well... a bit of a loner.

Now, you see, when a guy takes on this sort of lifestyle -- independent from his fellow males, devoting himself to studies and personal interests -- it's called a sort of valour. When a girl engages in the same rites, however, it becomes a concern. People start asking why you don't have as many friends and don't go to parties and don't listen to Death Cab for Cutie's new album.

No reason. I just am not really into that sort of thing.

And yet people just don't get it. They continue trying to engage me in this unwanted "social scene" -- keep trying to pull me out of a gamer/internet lifestyle consumed by metal and textbooks for class.

And yet... all the guys I associate with (read as: Medaf and friends) think this is a fine, fairly normal lifestyle.

Why are girls like this? It only reinforces my distaste of the general notion of them. Anyone else notice this strange, sexist anomaly?

This post has been edited by Mrs. Aforcer on Nov 13 2008, 09:06 PM

Yeah, I've noticed this, and it angers me to no end.

My friend who's a girl is by far one of the nicest person I've ever met; yet girls constantly give her **** behind her back because she "doesn't keep up with the trends", or "is ugly". It makes me so angry, she's nice the way she is, why should she try to be something she's not?

This post has been edited by Razz on Nov 13 2008, 09:12 PM

Not quite what I meant by my post, but yeah, this is annoying too.

But I mean -- just the expectation to enjoy people's company bother's me. Especially the company of other girls. When I tell people I don't much like hanging out and going places and being anywhere but my dorm, class, or the dining hall, people trip out like it's some sort of defect.

But if I were male, this'd arguable be completely acceptable.

It's less keeping up with trends as it is just not going outside or being with other peopl.

My experience says this is arguably incorrect, since my social life is virtually nil and I get called out on it.

It's not okay for me to be independent and I'm male. My dad and my grandma are always trying to shove me into clubs and social events that I have no interest in such as drama club, yearbook club, religious youth group, and school dances. The few people I talk to always tend to stop in the middle of a conversation and begin one with someone else.

This post has been edited by Elyk on Nov 13 2008, 09:23 PM

Yes, but do people chastise you for not wanting to socialize with people you've never met before just because "they seem nice."

I've got friends. I go places. I do stuff. I'm just not fond of being little miss Chatty Cathy to every girl just because we "might have something in common."

No, complete social exile is unacceptable from both genders, but you guys are less expected to "go out there and mingle." Especially with people you've never known, much less have a care to ever know.

Y'know?

Hmm...

But that's your parents and family.

Still, not a story I hear too often from guys; maybe I just don't know or associate with the right ones. You are in high school though. Perhaps socialization is more obligatory there?

I mean I figured, as a college student, it's my right to choose between classes and hanging out with my "girl friends," between homework and parties, between metal and alternative rock, y'know? It's my life now. I run it.

This post has been edited by Mrs. Aforcer on Nov 13 2008, 09:25 PM

The only one who gets upset with me for being unsociable is your mother, strangely enough.

Yeah, actually. Maybe it happens more often with women then men, but I always see (myself included) that those who "keep up with trends" tend to poke fun at those who don't, calling them loners and boring and whatnot.

Of course, my friends that do this to me are also people who aren't really too bright and choose to have fun now and ignore their education; the type of people who only want the easiest way out that will allow for basic survival.

I don't really talk to these people that much anymore, and talk to my other friends who don't care about "trends" or whatever because they know what I'm into and don't care if it's different from their own thing.

Haha I wish.

Probably. I'm in college/work full time and my co-workers give me **** every. single. day.

I'd say double-standards, but Mr. A would have to rain on my parade.

On topic, I'd like to hear more about this. I'm finding it very interesting.

If you mean her saying that men don't have to deal with it then I see where you're coming from.

Yeah I don't really have this problem. Or I just don't notice it.

Ignorance to unwanted social attention really is bliss~

Ice is easier to break in social groups when there is a central focus around a single activity. Like, for example, playing pick-up basketball in the gym, or studying for a test. There's nothing wrong with an independent lifestyle, but it doesn't hurt to "go with the flow" once in a while.

I don't give much attention to things I really don't find important. Social trends tend to be one of them.

My friends and me go play soccer during luch, if that counts.

This post has been edited by Gato on Nov 14 2008, 02:13 AM

I try to get to know everyone I meet and I consider myself "anti-social"; anything lower than me I generally consider sad.

Purposely avoiding events you're invited to because it makes you feel uneasy? That's a bit lame.

Though I am a sucker for saying yes to anything.

Reminds me a bit about myself. I get pretty uncomfortable at parties and collections unless I know EVERYONE

EVERYONE

When I have to meet new people I get along with them, but I don't want to enforce meeting new people by going to places where people are I don't know.
I prefer being with the people I already know and that's good enough for me.
I don't go to the mainstream clubs, pups, etc, instead I prefer meeting my friends at my home or at theirs, we go to the cinema often enough and sometimes we go out for something different when there's opportunity.

When someone asks me every once in a while to go somewhere, I go with them, but only when I have nothing better to do. Sometimes it turns out to be ok, sometimes not... Doesn't hurt.

And there are guys who want to drag one out and such, too. There is no noticable difference between genders. (At least for me. Could be that girls are really more annoying.)

Honestly, I think it differs between each person about whether a group of people actually care about them, but it occurs more often in females.

Also, it's different for each gender. An unsociable girl is about as odd as a boy who doesn't play a sport.

But yeah. That's America for you.

**America only

only like 1/15 guys play sports here