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Dear Fiddy:

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Dracon

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 03:51 PM

i'm guna headbut u
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QUOTE (TheLastRoboKy)

As some people here may be aware by me constantly yelling about it before I left and now I'm back, I spent about two weeks in Japan. It was a trip that went by pretty quickly, but at the same time I was pretty glad it was over when it did, mostly because my days usually started at 8am and ended around midnight or so. Plenty of pretty cool things happened during this trip, but I also had quite a number of weird and horrible experiences all mashed together like the contents of a bento box in a train wreck.

So here's the Maid Cafe story.

It happened on the 26th, but the events leading to attending this place started a week before when I spent a night out with my sister (she used to live in Japan, and spoke the lingo nicely) and a friend of hers from her time in Japan.

This friend was a pretty cool dude, and he took us around a few of the less travelled paths of Japanese tourism. We had yakitori in a place that might as well have been some dude's foyer, and we drank in a bar that wasn't much bigger. Then the friend took us way off the beaten track to a small family-run okonomiyaki restaurant. During this entire adventure we were all drinking heavily, and this friend (who doesn't know that much english) is saying something to my sister, and I don't even know what he said but the words "Maido bar" come out, and they see my face wrinkle up in disgust.

I'll admit at the time, I didn't know much about Maid Cafes/Bars and whatnot, but what I knew at the time was that you paid girls dressed as maids to like you. I was half right.

Seeing the look on my face, the friend makes a decision. He would take us to a maid bar or cafe or whatever he could get us to. My continued look of horror only spurs my sister to agree, and I relent on the condition that our other two travelling buddies come along for the ride. It is agreed upon, and a week later all five of us are off to Akihabara, otaku capital of Tokyo and the beginning of what was my lesson in what a Maid Cafe truly was.

So what is a Maid Cafe, truly? Well my definition was not too far off. There were certainly maids, and you certainly paid them to pretend they liked you. But that doesn't quite capture what they do to you when you enter a maid cafe.

The cafe itself was situated on the fourth or fifth floor of a building that was mostly a large freaking costume shop where you could buy giant pikachu suits or something retarded like that. When you got there, you had to sit outside on numbered stools until they were ready for you to enter the cafe. This means that everyone going past you to upper levels of the building (the building was pretty big) will see you sitting there. That's no big deal though, once you realise that people going past are probably only jealous you have disposable income to blow on more than just anime dolls.

Eventually our party of five was given rulesheets to look out while we waited. The sheets were in english for my convenience, but I kind of wish I hadn't read it.

Maid Cafe Rules:
1. 700 yen just to get in.
2. You have to buy a drink or meal on top of that.
3. You are only allowed to be in the cafe for 60 minutes.
4. Everything involving maids costs money and demeans you as a human being.

Keep in mind the whole time you're in that cafe you're a Master or Mistress. Apparently a really terrible one, but at least you're rich right? 8 Bucks US just to get in. Then you're paying, but you're not just paying in money oh no.

It was once were seated and reminded of the rules of Maid Club that the Moe began. The Moe Moe Moe.

QUOTE (Burncoat Rapscallion)

Moe only? No Tsundere?

Weak.

QUOTE (TheLastRoboKy)

Man, if only it was that simple. If only it was that easy to explain.

But it's more than that. It's some sort of horrific experiment into just how much a person is willing to debase themselves for female contact. I'm overexaggerating of course, but the simple definition doesn't quite cover the rituals these maids go through that are supposed to be appealing to the patrons.

Continuing the story, just getting a maid to take our order was a trip down holy **** lane. Before we could order, we were directed by our maid to summon moe magic. My sister had to explain this to me, and even she seemed utterly bewildered by what was going on. Eventually her use as a translator would be rendered useless but at least the ritual of ordering things as we knew it was 'explained'.

Ever seen that ridiculous "MOE MOE KYUN" **** on Youtube? If not go look it up. I had to do that. I had to do that so that 700 yen I paid would increase to over 1000 when I bought their mandatory order. I don't even know why I had to do it, but I had to do it.

So we made little hearts with our fingers whilst my real one tried to choke itself to death to save me, we placed some orders. There were some ordinary drinks, a sort of weird omlette thing that the maid would personally draw a cute picture with ketchup on when she brought it to your table, a cocktail where the maid shakes it and I guess yells MOE MOE SHAKE or something. We settled on a pasta for the group, which the maid we were told would come out and mix up for us.

Of course, the mixing itself was another opportunity for us to flex our moe muscles, since to mix the pasta we had to give the maid more cutesy moe posing and yelling. Just why the hell was I paying a maid to watch ME do this ****? Maybe it was just a gaijin prank or something. I was getting the stink-eye from two dudes who looked like regulars (i.e. they looked like retarded nerds). I have no idea if I was ruining their immersion or had inadvertantly stolen their maid of choice. Maybe they were just being smug because I was a mere newb at this game of maiding, whilst they were shining paragons of masters, great piles of money heaped into games and photographs.

QUOTE (TheLastRoboKy)

Of course, all this moe moe bull**** hit its zenith shortly after the others got their photos taken with their favourite maids (I didn't because I honestly did not know what the **** I was supposed to do with a wallet-photo that cost 7 bucks US that was drawn on with a sharpie, plus I was the odd one out anyway). As soon as they got back, two maids burst out onto a tiny stage in the far end of the cafe area we were in and began speaking so fast my sister's mouth fell open. I can only assume the earlier moe rituals had unlocked the seventh seal and brought forth the maid demons of the underworld or something, because those girls were talking in ****ing tongues. They went on back and forth for ten minutes whilst everyone else either looked on in confusion or jerked off under the tables. Or both. I don't know. I was eating my hands.

Finally the blathering of the maids came to a resolution. We were to play a game of MOE MOE PAPER ROCK SCISSORS. Everyone in the goddamn room. But we couldn't just do the three fists thing, oh no. We needed a friggin' briefing of the actions we needed to do before deploying our moe-hand-weapons. We had to make all manner of bizarre noises which probably appealed to mouth-breathers with body-pillows whilst making bunny ears with our hands and cat paw poses and tearing out our own eyes and throwing them into the offering bowl for the infernal things beyond our shadows or whatnot.

I could have won it. I was one of four people who slaughtered everyone else at it, but I realised that I had no idea what the maids were saying, so I politely opted out. A wise choice when the winners of the game were dragged on stage and forced to dance like piggies and defeat one another to get a "Magical Moe Moe Coin".

The coin was apparently the currency of winning any game in the Maid Cafe. It could be used on little gift machines in the cafe, and unless I read it wrong the gifts were hand-made by the maids. So if you're looking to test out your voodoo I know this little place in Akihabara okay?

After the show, we were unceremoniously given the bill (apparently we didn't need to make magical gestures for that to appear) and since we were all first-timers we were given our point-cards.

The point card was your basic capitalist "spend money here and receive points". In the case of the Maid Cafe it meant that after a number of visits you "levelled up" as a "Master". In other words you "waste all your money" being a "creepy ****er". I still have the card. It resembles some sort of credit card only with the picture of a maid on it and your current level. They wrote my name on it and drew love hearts around it in sharpy.

It's my Amoerican Express.

Overexaggerating aside, the maid cafe was pretty nutty. I can understand visiting it for the novelty value once, but the fact it does so well (there was one ****ing huge line-up when we left) and gets repeat business just does my head in.

So there you go, that was my Maid Cafe experience. Like going to a brothel that specialises in ensuring you never get laid from that point onwards, the Maid Cafe pretty much sums up everything right and wrong with Japan.

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Sparks	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 03:59 PM
hurr hurr freakin hurr Group: Members Posts: 1131 Member No.: 2198 Joined: 16-June 06 Status: (0d)	Dear Fiddy: Lets talk maid. -Sparks -------------------- Reference character thing- whatever why do you care ddaaaaaww (relmm)

Lupo

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:10 PM

Unlimited Plant Works

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QUOTE ((Burncoat Rapscallion))

Moe only? No Tsundere?

Weak.

What the **** is with the Tsundere obsession?

Empty

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:10 PM

is a pregnant mule
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tl;dr Japan wants people miserable

--------------------

Ref - The best topic ever.

QUOTE (Xgoff @ Jul 1 2009, 11:01 AM)

one time i was having sex and out of NOWHERE that music started playing and the chick i was doing ripped off her mask and it was really a man

QUOTE (TurboMan @ Jul 10 2009, 01:33 PM)

You fools are all full of bs.

HURR THIS GAME IS JUST LIKE THE OTHER THEREFORE IT SUCKS

HURR THIS SEQUEL IS FAR TOO DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS IT SUCKS

HURR HURR I'M HURR IN DAH HURR HURR

QUOTE (Sparks @ Sep 28 2009, 10:57 PM)

you raped nemo

no wonder we can't find him

QUOTE (Delichanicho @ Oct 3 2009, 10:05 AM)

This topic needs to die of fire and aids.

Mikau	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:14 PM
Abel-kun! Abel-kun! Do you have any scarred lips? Group: Members Posts: 2730 Member No.: 3779 Joined: 18-May 07 Status: (0d)	>TheLastRoboKy i stopped there edit: lolfail This post has been edited by Mikau on Sep 30 2009, 04:14 PM -------------------- Oh, Glukom!

Fiddy Three	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:24 PM
KFC Badge: +1 Time Leap Group: Members Posts: 2252 Member No.: 2253 Joined: 27-June 06 Status: (0d)	I read the first quote box, noticed there were four more and stopped. But, here's my reply letter regardless: Dear Dracon, What is the point you're trying to make? Love your best buddy, Fiddy. -------------------- Wii Code - 2511-2111-5437-0505 PlayStation Network ID - FiddyThree Sexy Images of Myself: Me, Me, Yuikiko, FISHY PUNCH, Demon Lemon, Mr. M, Demon Lemon Nicholas Ainsworth

Dracon

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:37 PM

i'm guna headbut u
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QUOTE (Fiddy Three @ Sep 30 2009, 04:24 PM)

I read the first quote box, noticed there were four more and stopped.

But, here's my reply letter regardless:

Dear Dracon,
What is the point you're trying to make?
Love your best buddy,
Fiddy.

Dear Fiddy:

Why don't you read the rest of the post, alright

-Dracon

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Robbydude	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:50 PM
hey maxwell can shut up and go suck a ballion Group: Members Posts: 4045 Member No.: 1057 Joined: 17-May 05 Status: (0d)	you dont need to read 5 quote boxes to know its a horrible idea -------------------- if ur reading this u r gay

Lupo

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:50 PM

Unlimited Plant Works

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QUOTE (Robbydude @ Sep 30 2009, 05:50 PM)

you dont need to read 5 quote boxes to know its a horrible idea

do tell how it is

Robbydude

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:51 PM

hey maxwell can shut up and go suck a ballion
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QUOTE (Lupo @ Sep 30 2009, 05:50 PM)

do tell how it is

would you go to a maid cafe

--------------------

if ur reading this u r gay

DJ Elly	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:56 PM
Take off every 'Zan' Group: Members Posts: 23364 Member No.: 1675 Joined: 28-November 05 Status: (0d)	It's a bad idea in America, I bet. Good idea in Japan. -------------------- Hey

Mikau

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 04:57 PM

Abel-kun! Abel-kun! Do you have any scarred lips?
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QUOTE (Robbydude @ Sep 30 2009, 05:51 PM)

would you go to a maid cafe

depends

--------------------

Oh, Glukom!

DJ Elly

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 05:01 PM

Take off every 'Zan'
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QUOTE (Robbydude @ Sep 30 2009, 10:51 PM)

would you go to a maid cafe

If I were filthy rich and could troll people by paying for extra service.

--------------------

Hey

Starmang	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 05:23 PM
Why hello there, you should meet me halfway Group: Members Posts: 2004 Member No.: 4963 Joined: 29-February 08 Status: (0d)	my hopes and dreams have been kurushudo -------------------- sorry pip but i love coono too much

seldeslim	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 05:38 PM
so good that its banned Group: Members Posts: 4186 Member No.: 2016 Joined: 15-April 06 Status: (0d)	damn japanese and their stupid code of honor -------------------- Tribute 1 BROWN mexican with forty years or less of AGE. Check all people your opponent controls, your opponent's hand, and all cards they draw (until the end of your opponent's third turn after this card's activation), and destroy all people with five or more years of AGE. also this is gato from new mfgg3 just in case you're wondering about my join date status you silly newbies

B.M.	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 05:56 PM
take a wiz in da bottle: saves toilet water bro Group: Members Posts: 2428 Member No.: 3658 Joined: 19-April 07 Status: (0d)	tl;dr: maid cafes are like hell but with maids in a cafe --------------------

Paji

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 06:46 PM

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QUOTE

As soon as they got back, two maids burst out onto a tiny stage in the far end of the cafe area we were in and began speaking so fast my sister's mouth fell open. I can only assume the earlier moe rituals had unlocked the seventh seal and brought forth the maid demons of the underworld or something, because those girls were talking in ****ing tongues.

This part killed me.

Fiddy Three

Posted: Sep 30 2009, 06:51 PM

KFC Badge: +1 Time Leap
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QUOTE (B.M. @ Sep 30 2009, 06:56 PM)

hell but with maids

This doesn't make sense. If there are maids, there is no hell.

--------------------

Wii Code - 2511-2111-5437-0505
PlayStation Network ID - FiddyThree
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Sexy Images of Myself:
Me, Me, Yuikiko, FISHY PUNCH, Demon Lemon, Mr. M, Demon Lemon Nicholas Ainsworth

MegaTailzChao	Posted: Sep 30 2009, 06:55 PM
So long, and thanks for all the fish. Group: Site Staff Posts: 15788 Member No.: 2267 Joined: 2-July 06 Status: (0d)	I read the whole thing. God damn. --------------------