A Story I Am Writing. Not A Fanfic., Currently not titled. PLEASE read.

I haven't gotten much done on it yet. I kinda just started it. This story isn't a fanfiction. There are no furries, or sonic characters, or mario characters or the like. It's a story set in present time. Real life. Basically the story is this: Kaiser, a 17 (?? something. I haven't decided on an age yet) year old, has a girlfriend (who I have yet to give a name to yet). They're in love, but due to circumstances I haven't come up with yet, his girlfriend has to move to a whole other state, MILES AND MILES away. An amount of time I've yet to determine yet, has passed, and he decides he can't take it anymore. Now Kaiser is going to travel clear across the country to be with his love, no matter what obsticles he faces along the way. Now, I'm not writing this story in order. No releasing 1st chapter, 2nd chapter, etc etc, one after the other. No. I'm writing the story in parts. And I'll put them together later. I'll feel the need to write certain parts of the story at certain times, so it's too easier (and really, more professionall) not to go 1, 2, 3, etc etc in making the chapters. ANYWAY, now that all that info is out of the way, below is a part of the story I felt like sharing. Comments/Critisism would be apprecieated, although I haven't really gotten into the meat, or more important parts of the story yet. And also, there's plenty of stuff in my writings here that need to be changed. I'll get to it eventually. Btw, anytime you see something in "()"s, then that means there is something in there I have yet to determine.

PART… SOMETHING

Kaiser got out of his car and his eyes searched the entire thing. He lifted up the hood, and when he did, a huge puff of smoke flew up into his face. He coughed and flailed his arms wildly, trying to get the smoke out of his face. He backed away, and shoved his hands in his pockets. He went to the side of his car and kicked the tire.

“Piece of crap.” He mumbled.

He waited for the smoke to clear from his hood, and went to the engine. He ran to the back seat of this car, and pulled out a few things, and began tinkering with it. He quickly pulled his hand up, as his finger touched the burning metal. He blew on it, and was getting irritated. He attempted many things, but couldn’t get his stupid car to work.

After tinkering with it, for what seemed like forever, he finally grabbed a wrench out of his few supplies, and slammed it down onto the engine. He then preceded to chuck the wrench into a nearby field, narrowly missing a cow chewing away at his cud. He slammed the hood down, and then went into his car. He reached into the glove compartment and took any money that was in it, and shoved it into his wallet. He also removed the picture of (NEED NAME), and looked at it for a second. Looking into her beautiful hazel eyes, only made his determination stronger, and he looked around his car carefully, making sure there was nothing else he needed to bring.

“Good.” He said, slamming the doors, and walking to the front tire of his car. “One more for the road.”

He kicked the tire as hard as he could, and then turned. He began walking down the side of the highway. He was going to get to her. Car or no car. The grass rustled beneath his sneakers, and the wind blew against his back. He was pretty angry about the car, but didn’t let it get to him too much. All he cared about was (NEED NAME), and he was fully determined to get to her. No matter what. As he walked, he turned his head really fast, cracking his neck, and then continued his walk.

He kept moving for a good long while. Not looking back at his car, which was probably getting really close to the horizon by now. His hands were swinging back and forth at his sides, and he decided to put them in his pockets. He dropped them inside, and his fingers could feel all the assorted things in his pocket. The money, the picture of (NEED NAME), the spare change, the leftover toothpick, his wallet, the car k-

He stopped dead in his tracks, and his eyes opened wide. Kaiser searched around his pockets numerous times, and noticed something. He swallowed hard, and realized he had forgotten to take the keys out of the ignition. Even if he hadn’t have been able to start the car, maybe some passerby homeless guy could. You never know the kind of crazy crap they can do. Hell, he himself had an uncle that was actually not the brightest person in the world, and lived on the streets most of his life. That still didn’t stop him from being able to memorize every single stanza to poem, “The Raven”.

He turned around to head back to his car, fully prepared to run right to it, when he noticed smoke billowing out from it. It wasn’t too far off into the distance, but it was a considerable ways. Before he could do anything, the car appeared to have burst into flames. His mouth was agape, as not too far long after THAT, his old busted up car emitted a somewhat small explosion, and parts flew everywhere. The cars that were passing by, began swerving away in panic, and he looked noticed something gleam up in the sky. The object fell at his feet, and he picked up it up. They were his keys, slightly hot from the car’s explosion. He didn’t really see the need to keep them now this his car was basically annihilated. But meh, he shoved them into his pocket anyway, and turned around, continuing his walk.

As he kept going, he noticed a tire roll by on the road. Kaiser looked around as the sky began to become gray. Well, it’s not like it was the sunniest of days to begin with, but the clouds overhead seemed to grow larger now, and darker. He could feel the air around him become more humid, and it wasn’t long before he felt a small droplet of rain fall upon his nose. Kaiser didn’t want to deal with the rain again, not after what happened just the night before. He went up to the side of the road, fully aware of how dangerous his next move would be. He turned toward the on coming cars, and held out his thumb. Cars whizzed past him, and didn’t show any signs of caring about picking up the amateur hitch hiker. Time passed by slowly, and more and more cars rolled on past him, completely ignoring his outstretched thumb.

He was soon dealing with the rain yet again, pouring down on him. Waves of water splashed onto him as car tires flew through the puddles. He sighed, and was about to make his way to under the bridge off in the distance a bit, when a car that had just passed him, slowed down and then got off the road. He looked over at the car and the two men in the car were waving him to them. He smiled and ran to the vehicle. He opened the door, but didn’t go in.

“Uh… Are you sure its okay?” He asked, “I’m soaked.”

“It ain’t a problem, kid. Hope in.” Said the driver.

The driver had a rather large build, as well as a five o’ clock shadow. He had a bald spot in his thick black hair, and a cigar firmly wedged between his upper and lower teeth. Kaiser got in the car, and shut the door. He sat in the back, and tried to warm himself. He looked over to the right where the passenger seat was. Another man, slightly shorter than the driver, sat looking back at Kaiser, with an odd smile on his face.

“Uh, hey listen, thanks guys for picking me up.” Kaiser said, rubbing his arms to keep himself warn.

They just nodded, and then the passenger looked back at him.

“Say kid, what’s your name?” He asked.

“I’m Kaiser.” He responded.

The driver turned onto the road and started moving alone the highway. The passenger then began talking again.

“Well, Kaiser, I’m Jack, that there is Smokey.” He said in a very gruff voice, “You can see in his mouth why he’s called Smokey.”

Kaiser simply nodded, and Jack turned around back toward the windshield. Kaiser looked out the window at the rain running down the windows, and the scenery flying by. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out the picture of (NEED NAME). He leaned against the door, and just stared at it. Taking everything about her in. He couldn’t stand being so far apart from her, not being able to hold her in his arms. It drove him crazy not feeling her lips against his anymore. He sighed and looked out the window some more.

“So, where you headed?” Smokey asked from ahead of him.

“(STATE)” He responded, “I um… have some business there.”

“No kiddin?

ANOTHER PART I HAVE STARTED

Kaiser could only see black around him. Oh he could hear the wind blowing, and the grass beneath his body, but his eyes only saw darkness. He cringed as he pushed himself up, his arm aching. His eyes opened, and he was in a large field. Way off in the distance, really what seemed like miles, was a highway.

Kaiser cringed again, as the slimy wet feeling of a large tongue moved up his face. He jumped away and wiped his face off.

“What that?!” He said, before realizing what it was.

There was a horse standing there looking at him. It bent down and started chewing on the overgrown grass Kaiser had been lying on just a second ago. He got up and petted the horse. He then looked around and saw the fencing keeping him and the horse in. There was no way that was going to stop him. Not when he’s come this far.

…That is… Wherever “THIS” was. He wasn’t sure where he was at all. The last thing he remembered was being knocked out. And defiantly wasn’t knocked out anywhere near where he was. He looked around and saw some rope lying on the ground. He grabbed it, and looked around. He tore some grass out of the ground and put as much on the rob as possible. He put the rope up to the horse, and the animal sniffed it. Just like Kaiser hoped, the horse clenched his teeth down onto the rope. He quickly ran to the side of the horse, and hopped onto its back, tugging on the rope from both ends.

Was I supposed to read that?

Yes, you were, and I can tell you that as a person who writes things, nothing is more aggravating than writing something and then having someone reply saying they didn't read it because of how long it was. It's like working on a drawing, uploading it, and then having someone say WAS I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT THAT PICTURE? :O

Sorry I just saw how long it was and got bored fast. Reading it I say, interesting subject. Could use some..."spicing"

im with mario gamer... way too long... also cuz it's english it takes me longer to read it (but hey, i don't even read such long text in dutch )

Wow, You two probably didn't even read the introduction.

Anywho, I like your style of writing Duckboy, it'll be interesting to read the rest when it's done.

@Mario Gamer + Bidbood: What do you mean "too long"? It's part of a story, not an AIM convo. Do you expect him to only write less than a page's worth?

Like that "OMG PLZ READ SPARKLY TEXT" in your signature?


God, people, I thought stories were SUPPOSED to be long. It's not some damn fairy tale.

It's a story, it's supposed to be long, don't post if your not going to read it... anyway, could... you guys stop arguing and read please? Binky's the only one that's posted in this topic that has read it ;_;

Very good story, Duckboy! Good job!

I can see it's guys like Mario Gamer and Bidbood that don't like to read stories like at DeviantArt.


Hey, would you guys be more interested if the text was larger?

"Kaiser got out of his car and his eyes searched the entire thing. He lifted up the hood, and when he did, a huge puff of smoke flew up into his face. He coughed and flailed his arms wildly, trying to get the smoke out of his face. He backed away, and shoved his hands in his pockets. He went to the side of his car and kicked the tire.

“Piece of crap.” He mumbled.

He waited for the smoke to clear from his hood, and went to the engine. He ran to the back seat of this car, and pulled out a few things, and began tinkering with it. He quickly pulled his hand up, as his finger touched the burning metal. He blew on it, and was getting irritated. He attempted many things, but couldn’t get his stupid car to work.

After tinkering with it, for what seemed like forever, he finally grabbed a wrench out of his few supplies, and slammed it down onto the engine. He then preceded to chuck the wrench into a nearby field, narrowly missing a cow chewing away at his cud. He slammed the hood down, and then went into his car. He reached into the glove compartment and took any money that was in it, and shoved it into his wallet. He also removed the picture of (NEED NAME), and looked at it for a second. Looking into her beautiful hazel eyes, only made his determination stronger, and he looked around his car carefully, making sure there was nothing else he needed to bring.

“Good.” He said, slamming the doors, and walking to the front tire of his car. “One more for the road.”

He kicked the tire as hard as he could, and then turned. He began walking down the side of the highway. He was going to get to her. Car or no car. The grass rustled beneath his sneakers, and the wind blew against his back. He was pretty angry about the car, but didn’t let it get to him too much. All he cared about was (NEED NAME), and he was fully determined to get to her. No matter what. As he walked, he turned his head really fast, cracking his neck, and then continued his walk.

He kept moving for a good long while. Not looking back at his car, which was probably getting really close to the horizon by now. His hands were swinging back and forth at his sides, and he decided to put them in his pockets. He dropped them inside, and his fingers could feel all the assorted things in his pocket. The money, the picture of (NEED NAME), the spare change, the leftover toothpick, his wallet, the car k-

He stopped dead in his tracks, and his eyes opened wide. Kaiser searched around his pockets numerous times, and noticed something. He swallowed hard, and realized he had forgotten to take the keys out of the ignition. Even if he hadn’t have been able to start the car, maybe some passerby homeless guy could. You never know the kind of crazy crap they can do. Hell, he himself had an uncle that was actually not the brightest person in the world, and lived on the streets most of his life. That still didn’t stop him from being able to memorize every single stanza to poem, “The Raven”.

He turned around to head back to his car, fully prepared to run right to it, when he noticed smoke billowing out from it. It wasn’t too far off into the distance, but it was a considerable ways. Before he could do anything, the car appeared to have burst into flames. His mouth was agape, as not too far long after THAT, his old busted up car emitted a somewhat small explosion, and parts flew everywhere. The cars that were passing by, began swerving away in panic, and he looked noticed something gleam up in the sky. The object fell at his feet, and he picked up it up. They were his keys, slightly hot from the car’s explosion. He didn’t really see the need to keep them now this his car was basically annihilated. But meh, he shoved them into his pocket anyway, and turned around, continuing his walk.

As he kept going, he noticed a tire roll by on the road. Kaiser looked around as the sky began to become gray. Well, it’s not like it was the sunniest of days to begin with, but the clouds overhead seemed to grow larger now, and darker. He could feel the air around him become more humid, and it wasn’t long before he felt a small droplet of rain fall upon his nose. Kaiser didn’t want to deal with the rain again, not after what happened just the night before. He went up to the side of the road, fully aware of how dangerous his next move would be. He turned toward the on coming cars, and held out his thumb. Cars whizzed past him, and didn’t show any signs of caring about picking up the amateur hitch hiker. Time passed by slowly, and more and more cars rolled on past him, completely ignoring his outstretched thumb.

He was soon dealing with the rain yet again, pouring down on him. Waves of water splashed onto him as car tires flew through the puddles. He sighed, and was about to make his way to under the bridge off in the distance a bit, when a car that had just passed him, slowed down and then got off the road. He looked over at the car and the two men in the car were waving him to them. He smiled and ran to the vehicle. He opened the door, but didn’t go in.

“Uh… Are you sure its okay?” He asked, “I’m soaked.”

“It ain’t a problem, kid. Hope in.” Said the driver.

The driver had a rather large build, as well as a five o’ clock shadow. He had a bald spot in his thick black hair, and a cigar firmly wedged between his upper and lower teeth. Kaiser got in the car, and shut the door. He sat in the back, and tried to warm himself. He looked over to the right where the passenger seat was. Another man, slightly shorter than the driver, sat looking back at Kaiser, with an odd smile on his face.

“Uh, hey listen, thanks guys for picking me up.” Kaiser said, rubbing his arms to keep himself warn.

They just nodded, and then the passenger looked back at him.

“Say kid, what’s your name?” He asked.

“I’m Kaiser.” He responded.

The driver turned onto the road and started moving alone the highway. The passenger then began talking again.

“Well, Kaiser, I’m Jack, that there is Smokey.” He said in a very gruff voice, “You can see in his mouth why he’s called Smokey.”

Kaiser simply nodded, and Jack turned around back toward the windshield. Kaiser looked out the window at the rain running down the windows, and the scenery flying by. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out the picture of (NEED NAME). He leaned against the door, and just stared at it. Taking everything about her in. He couldn’t stand being so far apart from her, not being able to hold her in his arms. It drove him crazy not feeling her lips against his anymore. He sighed and looked out the window some more.

“So, where you headed?” Smokey asked from ahead of him.

“(STATE)” He responded, “I um… have some business there.”

“No kiddin?

ANOTHER PART I HAVE STARTED

Kaiser could only see black around him. Oh he could hear the wind blowing, and the grass beneath his body, but his eyes only saw darkness. He cringed as he pushed himself up, his arm aching. His eyes opened, and he was in a large field. Way off in the distance, really what seemed like miles, was a highway.

Kaiser cringed again, as the slimy wet feeling of a large tongue moved up his face. He jumped away and wiped his face off.

“What that?!” He said, before realizing what it was.

There was a horse standing there looking at him. It bent down and started chewing on the overgrown grass Kaiser had been lying on just a second ago. He got up and petted the horse. He then looked around and saw the fencing keeping him and the horse in. There was no way that was going to stop him. Not when he’s come this far.

…That is… Wherever “THIS” was. He wasn’t sure where he was at all. The last thing he remembered was being knocked out. And defiantly wasn’t knocked out anywhere near where he was. He looked around and saw some rope lying on the ground. He grabbed it, and looked around. He tore some grass out of the ground and put as much on the rob as possible. He put the rope up to the horse, and the animal sniffed it. Just like Kaiser hoped, the horse clenched his teeth down onto the rope. He quickly ran to the side of the horse, and hopped onto its back, tugging on the rope from both ends."

Actualy since everyone's screaming at me I'll read it AGAIN! I still like it. Yoshiman, that actualy helped! Easier to get though it all.


Some title suggestions:

Miles from you
Miles to love
Love in miles

Oh god no. I don't like those titles. And anyway, I'm not even going to begin to think about titles until I finish the story.

Oh and thanks yoshiman ^_^

YW. Nice writing style. Kind of a moody one.



"Actualy since everyone's screaming at me I'll read it AGAIN! I still like it. Yoshiman, that actualy helped! Easier to get though it all."


Oy... one of the many ways sarcasm turns into a solution.

My comments:

The story itself is pretty good, but the writing style is a little too repetative. It seems like a continuous "He did this. He did that. Something else did this. He looked over and did this..." etc. Try adding some variety to the writing, like "Coughing and wheezing, Kaiser looked up to see that the key had landed at his feet" or "As he turned his head, Kaiser noticed..." that sort of thing. Other than that, it's interesting.

Don't keep that in the final draft.